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illusionofjoyIt is the middle of the night. I should be sleeping, yet I am awake, fighting the urge to pass out at my desk, writing a journal entry. Honestly, I think that writing this entry may have more emotional benefit than sleep at this point. Perhaps I'll have changed my mind by tomorrow afternoon, as I doze off in my two classes. Perhaps I won't even care at that point.
By now, I'm coming to grips with the fact that The Asian Goddess is arriving in Potsdam on the 12th. By that, I mean that I'm also preparing myself for the possibility that I am being duped, just like L had been doing. I am quite ready for disappointment should it rear its ugly head. This is the inherit risk of internet/newspaper dating: the risk of dishonesty on the part of the person you think you're "hooking up" with.
I want to believe that everyone is truly philanthropic deep down, but I also don't want to delude myself. Desire and truth are two very different animals, and truth is the most vicious of the pair. The truth may be that I'll be visited by The Asian Goddess only to find that she had lost interest in me about two hours before arriving in Potsdam. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if that happened. I wouldn't be surprised if she met me and lost interest after two hours of spending time in my presence.
Perhaps I'm just paranoid, but these are the terrible things that I can envision happening. Of course, the worst case scenario here is that she arrives, turns out to be someone completely unexpected, and hacks my body to pieces, to be found by the authorities over the next several years. I think about this, even though there is little chance of it happening. I'm damn hard to kill.
There are nine days until September 12th. I must learn to relax and let go of any expectations I may have. What shall be shall be and ultimately I've lost little if I get stood up. However, it's the thought of all that I could gain which haunts me.
Currently haunting my student account are the ghosts of the finances I used to have. Towards the end of last week, I bought my books and the amount paid totalled over $356, the bulk of this going towards a book/CD boxed set combo for Experience of Music. My initial reaction was to simply return the package and get a refund. My thought behind this was that I could go to the Crane Library and listen to whatever I needed to, while buying only the book from somewhere else. However, the more I think about it, the more I realise that I would never be able to bring myself to go to Crane (quite out of the way from my usual campus haunts) for gen ed assignments. It's much better to have the course materials right where I can get at them; it makes procrastination just slightly more difficult. Also, I've always wanted to have some classical music in my CD collection and now I have a boxed set.
Still, the loss of such a large sum of money doesn't thrill me in the least. I'll have to better budget the rest of my expenditures. Effectively this means cutting down on sodas and other vending machine nuggets. It also means that no matter how hard I try, I will most definitely be broke by the end of the semester. Let's hope that my financial aid actually comes through this year.
The first meeting for WAIH happened yesterday. It was quite possibly the most successful interest drive that the station had ever seen. At least 30 new people showed up who were interested in becoming DJs. My hope is that the bulk of them turn out to be quality. Time will tell. Still, this would seem to be an auspicious start to the semester and perhaps even the year.
