Gothic ass wipes

Indeed it does exist: black toilet paper. The paper is manufactured by the European Renova Corporation, however they are willing to ship it anywhere in the world. Now you don't have to worry about your black and crimson decor being defiled by the presence of a white roll of toilet paper. Rejoice darklings!

Now, if only you could figure out how to get excrement from nasty brown to a lovely shade of crimson without coming down with some horrible intestinal disease or haemorrhoids...