illusionofjoy | Mirrored TSWP Entry - Saturday, September 28, 2002 (Reply)

Is this where desperation sets in? Is this where I refuse to go out except for classes, if even? Is this where I end up wrapped tightly in the blankets in the middle of the night, trying to hold myself together? It's really not as bad as all that, but I can see it happening.

I can't stop thinking of her - my Asian Goddess. Not that I really want to, but I sometimes wonder what she really thinks about me. She doesn't like to talk about the difficult things - neither one of us do.

I know I love her. I can't deny that. I feel for her more deeply than I have felt for anyone in quite a while. In fact, I am hard-pressed to remember when I really felt this way. Things were wonderful for the week and a half that she was here. I wish that time could have never ended.

When she left, I felt down, but I was able to bask in the afterglow of my memories of being with her. I feel very lonely right now - and frightened as well. She called me tonight and the conversation turned very serious. She tells me that she may not be able to handle the distance between us - I in New York, she in Hawaii. I tell her that I can stand it because I know we will see each other again. I can't dwell on being without her, I have to focus on the future: graduating so I can be with her. Right?

I'm deathly afraid that one day - and sooner than I can fathom - she's going to tell me that we shouldn't be in a relationship. "I'm sorry, Seth," she'll say, "I can't stand the distance - it hurts too much." She'll follow that up with a list of our incompatibilities and divergent life goals and then leave me writhing on the cold concrete floor of my dorm room.

I hope that nothing like that happens. I want to be with her and the thought of that never happening again sickens me inside. Even if she's far away, the hope that I can hold her and kiss her again keeps me going. Perhaps hope isn't enough - a useless fragile crutch that people cling to when reality is just too harsh. Yeah, well...I can take care of my fragile things much better than most people I know.

I'm a wreck right now. There's Japanese writing on my white board that I just can't bring myself to erase. I have a stockpile of Asian snack food in my room that is being consumed ever so slowly. Finally, I have a quarter of a bottle of Captain Morgan's left over from last Friday when the Asian Goddess decided that it would be fun to get me drunk again.

I have a feeling that said bottle will be empty by daybreak. I don't want to think right now - I'm very scared. Perhaps we'll pull through and end up together. That would be wonderful.

Sometimes hope is all you have. Hope...and love.