illusionofjoy | Killing people metaphorically (Reply)

I'm not sure who said it, perhaps it was Tom Waites, Elvis Costello or some other underappreciated songwriter - the point remains that it was said in the first place. The quote I refer to, yet find myself unable to attribute, goes that "there is no perfect song for 4:00AM." I'm not sure if this is true or not. I have found many songs that have done wonders for the ambiance at 4 o' clock in the morning. These songs were good, but perhaps not perfect. This is close enough; the quote didn't exclude the possibility of there being a good song for 4:00AM, merely a perfect song. This gives me hope that all those things I've written at this hour, or referencing the hour aren't complete and utter shite - including the tune crawling around in my head right now.

I've completely evolved back into my nice cozy bitter space where I hate the good fortune of those in "cutesy" relationships again. I can roll my eyes at the twitterpated twerps walking arm in arm down the sidewalk, staring doe-eyed and vapid at each other and cringe at every online journal entry where I read the transcript of a cutesy IM conversation. Oh, how I find these things vile and vomitous - like an oversized plush pink bunny with giant eyes, framed with oversized lashes and the stereotypical symbolic heart shape where its stomach should be. Indeed, ladies and gentlemen, Cupid's most feared assassin has returned and he's packing heat like a motherfucker.

I can at least wrap myself in the burlap comfort that I never became "cutesy" with The Asian Goddess, as I reflect upon entries I wrote about her and whatnot. However, I personally don't think it's too much to ask for a linking signal or two when going out with someone, nor do I think it unreasonable to expect someone who supposedly loves you to actually say the words. You may be asking yourself how this ties in with the previously mentioned female and how this relates to the entry overall. Well...

Before she visited, The Asian Goddess told me that she wasn't into public displays of affection. To me, this meant things like holding hands, sitting close together, etc. - simple linking signals. However, as I discovered soon enough she actually came upon this distaste for the same form of PDA that I find so vile, that is, couples groping and making out with each other in full view of the world. It's not that the object of my misguided affections ever refused to hold hands with me when she visited, so that became a null point.

The second part came about a handful of nights ago when she and I were talking on the phone. The whole discussion centred around the fact that I still feel for her and don't like the implication that just because we're apart, or "broken up" or whatever, that I have to shut these emotions off, akin to a faucet. When the conversation closed I said, "goodbye, I love you." She merely said, "goodbye." At this, I posted an away message, quoting The Cure, "I said, 'I love you, I said,' you didn't say a word..." I read her reply in the morning: "I'm sorry." That was all she said to me, making me question the degree to which she felt for me.

A while back, my mother, supportive as always said to me that she didn't think that The Asian Goddess actually loved me, from what she saw of our interactions. "It was obvious that you cared for her," she said, "but she just didn't seem to feel the same way." For the moment I shrugged off her assertion as merely the bitter diatribe of middle age, but as time ticks on, I wonder if my mother is not more perceptive than I originally gave her credit for.

Much in the same vein, an acquaintance told me that my ex was "finicky" and that I should just drop her. I had never considered the word "finicky" as an appropriate adjective for said ex, but sometimes I wonder...

I wonder why I usually have to initiate conversations at this point. I wonder why they always seem so short, as if neither one of us really has anything to say to the other. I wonder why she bothered showing up at my doorstep in the first place, when she already felt like "there was no hope for it working out" (her words, not mine). If I can deduce nothing else from her actions and claims, it is that this particular "just friends" shtick completely blows.

I think I've discovered that the internet is a bad place to be if one is looking for a relationship. We've all become like television commercials: less than thirty seconds to attract attention and to sell the product. I have had countless IM conversations with the pretty pictures from Face The Jury and Hot or Not that went straight to the dead letter office when parties became disinterested within a few brief paragraphs. It's makes me wonder if I should just give people the URLs to my journals and say, "here - read all of this and decide whether or not I'm interesting." It also makes me wonder if I "sold" The Asian Goddess on myself only for her to discover what she perceived as an inferior product. There are always plenty of other pretty packages to choose from on the internet.

I've always wanted to be more than just a pretty package to someone. As a Scorpio II, my week is know as "The Week of Depth." I think I embody that pretty well. When in a relationship with someone, I'm sincere and honest. I don't say, "I love you" just get into someone's pants - if I'm only out for that, I say it right from the start. I know the symbolism of a certain type of kiss or a certain touch and I'm damn well spoken when it comes to expressing how I feel about someone for the most part. (I certainly would never drop a bomb like, "I love all your little pieces - I just want to gather all your little pieces in a box and love it!")

My sincerity, it seems has gotten me nowhere. My relationships crumble like an adobe house in a monsoon, whereas it seems the sickeningly sloppy couples I mentioned earlier score points for endurance. Why? Do people really want to regress into the most mind-numbing morons (oh wait...do I feel another rant coming on...?) when they are in lurve? Is it truly all about sex now? Who makes you tingle the most? Does anybody have any depth anymore? It's no wonder I believe so strongly in evolution: we are all a bunch of fucking monkeys, it seems (note the double meaning of "fucking monkeys," if you'd be so kind).

I've exhausted my will to rant for tonight. I just want to leave all you couples out there with this thought: look at that person you say "I love you" to and ask yourself, "Can I see myself with this individual 10/20/30/40/50 years from now?" I know at one point I could have answered yes to that question. That's just one of many steps toward knowing whether or not it is truly love.

Either that, or I'm just old and jaded. END TRANS