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illusionofjoyLadies and gentlemen, an era has ended. This will be the final entry I ever write for The Seth Warren Project (aka: TSWP). Some of the more faithful among you may recall that I tagged this journal with an expiration date not long ago. What I didn't mention was when or what that expiration date was. As it turns out, I decided that the end of TSWP would coincide with the end of my tenure at SUNY Potsdam. My time as a student at the school is effectively over.
It finally happened. After all the academic, intellectual and social stresses I finally cracked - I have been "academically dismissed" from school. In other words, I've failed out miserably.
I'm not exactly shocked that this happened. I've been fighting against it for quite a while now. Over and over again I would try and overcome the obstacles that were preventing me from succeeding at school, only to fail time and time again. I was actually naïve enough to believe that I could work through my problems on my own. When I finally admitted that I couldn't handle the pressure by myself, and went forth to seek help, it was too late.
I got the letter sometime in December; due to my academic performance this semester, I was up for dismissal. I had until the 6th of January to write an appeal letter if I felt that I had a "compelling reason" for "extraordinary circumstances" that would have caused my poor performance. I felt that I did have compelling reasons that would have warranted a reinstatement, and set forth upon writing my letter of appeal. What resulted was a two-page document where I attempted to stay focused on the specific stresses that caused me to slide into the abyss. My intent was to write something that was honest, something that was forthright. I wanted to avoid sounding like someone grasping at straws and making up foolish stories to try and gain pity for the circumstance. My technique did not work.
Last Saturday I received another letter from the school. After a thorough review of my letter, along with my academic records, my appeal of my dismissal was denied. Unwilling to give up just yet, I phoned several offices on campus, searching for answers and perhaps a reprieve from the verdict. What I ultimately ended up with was the statement that my efforts to turn things around amounted to "too little too late" and that with my lousy transcript, I shouldn't even bother applying to another school because I would never be accepted.
I could go back to SUNY Potsdam and make one final attempt at getting my diploma. It would involve me waiting for a year in order that I may be allowed to apply for readmission (I wouldn't be able to go back until the Spring of 2004). If I really wanted the freshest slate at SUNY Potsdam, I could opt instead to wait five years for complete "academic forgiveness," under which I would be able to retain 30 credits of what I've already earned but would otherwise be starting over.
Neither option seems particularly appealing at this point, as they would both involve going back to SUNY Potsdam. As I look back over my four and a half years at the school, I realise what a terrible mistake I made attending it in the first place. I should have dropped out or transferred after my second semester, however I was determined to stick it out and finish what I had started. It's amazing how those things you learn in grade school - "if at first you don't succeed, etc." - come back to haunt you horribly later in life.
By my third year at the school, all my really close friends, with the exception of a small handful, had left. Masochist Monkey was right to get out when he did. I, on the other hand, stayed and continued to slide down the slope I had made for myself in staying.
Being kicked out of school in of itself doesn't bother me very much. In some way, it's a welcome relief from a pain that I have held close for far too long. This relief doesn't last very long for me, as the spectre of SUNY Potsdam will haunt me for years to come. In an attempt to stay in school, I took out a hefty loan last year, which I get the luxury of having to pay back after six months out of school.
It all boils down to this: graduating from college is no longer an option at this point; where do I go from here? At the moment, I don't know. The bill I thought had been paid for last semester isn't, by virtue of the fact that part of my financial aid was yanked after the end of the semester as a reflection of my grades. This will leave me with significantly less money in my bank account than I had anticipated having. Still, I should have enough to pay the deposit and first month's rent on an inexpensive apartment. Provided I can become employed in a short amount of time, staying in that apartment should not be an issue. In which municipality that apartment will be remains yet to be seen. I just can't live at home anymore.
Optimally, I would have been able to finish my degree and move on with my life in a less turbulent manner. I did want to complete college, being that I had come so far. However, sometimes things don't always work out the way we want them to. At least I'll have my time at WAIH to look back fondly on...for the most part. I think that WAIH was the only thing I truly excelled at while attended SUNY Potsdam, aside from that Recording Studio Techniques class and TSWP.
It was on Saturday, September 4, 1999 that TSWP's first entry crawled out of the muck otherwise known as my brainpan. When I started the journal, I wasn't sure which direction I would take it or how long I would continue to write in it regularly. Most online journals don't last over two months. TSWP now spans about three years and three and a half months, which is none too shabby, in my opinion. Since this journal started out housed on SUNY Potsdam's servers, towards the beginning of my academic career, I felt it appropriate that it should end once my tenure as a student ended. Now is that time.
Thanks for reading. It was fun while it lasted.
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no subject
Date: 2003-01-14 09:52 pm (UTC)Does this mean you're leaving Live Journal, too? I hope not!!
&hearts
no subject
Date: 2003-01-14 10:20 pm (UTC)If you go, make sure you leave NOTHING of your intellect behind, the world needs all the aid its tired spirit can muster
thank you
no subject
Date: 2003-01-14 10:20 pm (UTC)The community college in the area isn't a place I'd want to find myself. I've had bad experiences, and I wasn't even a student there. I don't know that I'll never go back to school, but right now I'm too burned out to even consider it. Not to mention hearing what amounts to "your transcript sucks - don't even bother trying to immediately apply somewhere else" doesn't seed my enthusiasm for more scholarly pursuits.
Don't worry - I have no intention of abandoning my Livejournal. Why would I wish to give up the chance to receive comments from lovely beings such as yourself?
~more hugs~
Date: 2003-01-15 03:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-01-15 07:55 am (UTC)i'm sorry
Date: 2003-01-15 10:26 am (UTC)I'm sorry
*kisses*
Keri M.
Continuation?
Date: 2003-01-16 06:25 am (UTC)I can safely say that your journal was probably on a list of 5 that I read regularly.
TSWP project will be missed, but I hope only for a bit; will it be back, or will you continue to write meaningful, thought provoking entries here?
Wes
wtio
PS - My journal will soon be going back online. I hope you come back to read it once in awhile.
Re: Continuation?
Date: 2003-01-16 06:43 am (UTC)I've missed WTIO. I look forward to seeing it back online. :)
:-( bye bye TSWP
Date: 2003-01-16 11:27 pm (UTC)--------------masochistmonkey AKA the tall guy-->
Re: :-( bye bye TSWP
Date: 2003-01-16 11:47 pm (UTC)BTW...
Date: 2003-01-17 11:24 pm (UTC)