Dammit, Elton!

[illusionofjoy]

The song on the radio right now is depressing the fuck out of me. This song always brings me down, but I love it nonetheless. It's so beautifully sad; it's the type of song that just tugs at one's heart and leaves one blue throughout. Still, despite the way it makes me feel, I can't help myself: I still love it.

If you're going to try and depress me, do it right. Elton John's and Bernie Taupin's four-minute tale of two people realizing that they just aren't meant to be together depresses me the right way. Call me a hyper-romantic sap, but I think the song is beautiful and its a wonder that I haven't bought the album yet (a used-bin purchase for a rainy day perhaps).

I want to write songs that depress people the right way. True, I write music to break up to, but those are the type of songs best suited to slipping arsenic into your cheating spouses morning coffee, rather than a tearful goodbye after a beautiful romance tragically cut short by circumstance beyond the control of the lovers. Then again, "I Love You/I Loathe You", "Crystalline" and "Isolation" shouldn't be inspiring people to murder unfaithful significant others. It's the songs from Bitter, songs like "Billie Jo," "Take Off Your Inhibitions," and "Rebound Bitch" where I'm letting anger run rampant - songs that precious few outside of Potsdam have heard. Few will probably ever hear them if my financial situation doesn't change.

Honestly though, I'm kind of disenchanted with Bitter. It was fun to record and I do think my songwriting is quite good, but it feels old to me. I recorded it in the fall of 2001, it got mastered in the spring of 2002 and has been collecting dust since then. I haven't a backing band to go out gigging with (no cohesive, consistent one, that is) and I haven't the resources to go around the region, much less North America playing solo. No gigs = no way to build a fanbase = no way to make money = no way to mass-produce a CD. That's the business model of music, people.

Artistically though, I wish to move on. Bitter feels a bit too "teen angst" to me right now. I'm nearly 22 - just a few more months - I'm watching people graduate, get married, move on with their lives. Even if I'm next to going nowhere, I still record some of my observations in song. I wrote a little song about getting married for the wrong reasons that absolutely stunned my friend Joe. I don't feel comfortable showing it around though, for various reasons, not the least of which is that I feel some sort of obligation to get Bitter out for public scrutiny first. I gave birth to this child, I should let her have a chance to grow, should I not?

Crystalline, in hindsight, was easy. Four songs, burned CDs, endless nights printing out liners and labels - a DIY ethos that should make any real punk want to felaciate me. I knew I wasn't going to sell many copies. There were those who wouldn't buy Crystalline because "Billie Jo" wasn't on it. Sorry kids, but placing that song in the sequence would have ruined the continuity of the disc. "Billie Jo" is part of a larger work.

I so desperately want to be free just to write, compose and perform. Reality is, it's not going to happen. I can't seem to break out of this - whatever is holding me back, and it won't get any easier as I get older. It would seem that my songs don't matter that much. I think that the next time I play at an open mic - either downtown or on campus - I just may cover Boys Don't Cry in it's entirety.

Comments

Masaka!

[xeyli.livejournal.com]

You had better not be covering an entire open mic while I'm there. I'll be very pissed.