illusionofjoy | Mirrored TSWP Entry - Sunday, September 29, 2002

There are so many things I don't want to do right now. At the moment, completing certain assignments that I am painfully behind on comes to the forefront of my mind. Other than that, I have that whole feeling crawling into my consciousness again...the one that asks, "why the fuck do you insist on continuing at SUNY Potsdam if you fucking hate it so much?"

It's a very good question, I admit - one that I have asked myself ad nauseum and one that always gets the same answer: "I've come this far that to give up when I'm so close to finishing would truly be a defeat." Seriously, what other reasons do I have for getting myself deep into debt and GPA ruin? There is some great reward once I get that supposedly magical piece of paper known as a diploma, right? "Of course there is," exclaimed the joker to the fool.

There is a duality of blame for my current situation: one, obviously, is myself for not keeping tabs on what I should have been watching closely throughout my college career. In fact, I'm certain that I'm still missing something - I keep forgetting things, assignments, forms, etc. - and I don't remember until either the last minute and I go into a panic or until it's too late and ergo, the same panic ensues. The school itself receives the other half of the blame, for giving me misleading information along with switching my advisors around and basically throwing me into the heart of the machine to be chewed up by the gears.

I'm not stupid, but damn if I don't have a hard time sorting things out when it comes to pragmatic matters. What everyone else sees as logic I see as a rope tied around the wrists of the creative process that will get me a solution. Has life programmed my mind to do things the "hard" way? It seems logical enough to me to be creative.

I can't believe I've written another "oh woe is me for making the stupid decision to stay at, much less attend SUNY Potsdam!" This has to be the 20th time I've done this. Right now, I'm going to shove my finger down my throat and force myself to catch up on my late assignments - even if it fucking takes me all night. Bullocks to my radio show - the automation system will still be running even if I don't show up. Though, if I do oversleep, I need to make sure I catch my 9:00AM class - somehow, even if they don't take attendance, the professors notice if I am absent. Can I just become invisible now, please?

And, yes - I do still hate Blackboard.