2006 - overrated

[illusionofjoy]

I went into work this morning, stayed for about 45 minutes and then went home. I was sick – again. Technically, I shouldn't have even left. I'm not supposed to take any sick days until the end of March 2007, as I am on a written warning for attendance where I work. I have been sick a lot this year – and not some stupid "oh woe is me, I don't want to go to work" ennui, but I've actually been legitimately sick. This morning I could not focus: I was dizzy, had a fever and ached all over (but mostly in the abdominal region, if you must know). So, it is likely that when I go in to work tomorrow, I'll be served with probation because we all know that it is better to sacrifice one's own well-being in pursuit of the all-mighty dollar than to show any shred of compassion.

I won't mince words. I hate my job. I hate corporate policies which scapegoat me for things outside of my control while turning a blind eye towards the consistent failures of others for fear of some legal retribution.

I'm going for broke here: well over a year ago, my section was saddled with a new co-worker, a black woman in her mid-fifties. When I first saw her, she gave me a vibe that she was going to be trouble, but I shrugged it off. One shouldn't be judgemental when one has no basis for comparison. Since then, this woman has shirked off assignments, weaselled her way out of more difficult or uninteresting tasks and generally made life harder for her co-workers. She constantly complains to human resources that she is being picked on, despite the fact that she is not being asked to do anything more than anyone else in the department is being asked to do.

In all, she is very much like Ulgine Barrows from James Thurber's short story "The Catbird Seat" – a walking cliché who is a detriment to the company but who is never held accountable for her actions.

I've made efforts to compensate for this particular problem, but find myself in a position that, as a white male, I never expected to find myself: a racially-motivated scapegoat. Over the past year, not only have I been placed on written warning for attendance, but I am also on a written warning for performance as well (all per company policy, of course). The first infraction, concerned a batch of mailing labels that were "too light." This was a problem that was easily corrected and certainly did not warrant an inquisition. Regardless, I sat in the manager's office, waiting to sign the ubiquitous paper stating, "you've been talked to" hearing a self-important man with a tragically unfashionable moustache tell me that, "our company prides itself on quality and the quality of the labels I saw was abysmal."

I neglected to mention that the quality of work done by certain others who were never reprimanded more accurately qualified as abysmal that did a batch of mailing labels produced as the result of a nearly-spent toner cartridge.

The second infraction was the result of nothing within my control. Sadly, I can't reveal more without actually talking about the company I work for in detail but suffice it to say, I was basically told that I couldn't count.

Between this and being unable to take a trip to the hospital without being penalised, I began to believe that I was being scapegoated. The day of my second "performance warning," I made an angry quip to some of my co-workers at lunch that, "they are more than willing to come down on the black-clad freak but not the black woman!" Racism? Not at all; a sad truth that no one wants to say out in the open.

Prejudice is the result of refusing to treat human beings based on our shared commonalities. That is to say that bias results from focusing on unimportant differences and taking actions, or making judgements and assumptions based on those differences. In this case, the aforementioned woman has committed several acts that should have resulted in some sort of disciplinary action that never came to fruition. Why? I think it is because the company is afraid that she'll sue them; she's already complained several times of being discriminated against despite such things simply not being true. So, not only is the company to blame for using a race as motivator in treating her differently from everyone else but, they are likely somewhat justified in doing so as she herself is using race to manipulate the situation.

On the other hand, it is safe to come down on me, because, as a white male brought up by middle-class parents, what complaints do I have, really? If I tried to bring forth a discrimination lawsuit I'd be laughed out of the courtroom. Hell, I'd probably be laughed out of the lawyer's office (and sent a hefty bill for my folly).

I had never thought much about Affirmative Action, I am ashamed to say. Having dealt with a fifty-something black woman who shuns responsibility, manipulates circumstances to her favour and generally acts entitled to preferential treatment, I can say with no degree of uncertainty that I am against the concept. Prejudice is prejudice is prejudice. There is no such thing as "reverse racism," because racism knows no colour. No one group holds the victim's trophy for being discriminated against.

I am for anti-discrimination laws and Affirmative Action does not pass the litmus test because it writes discrimination into the law books. Furthermore, it is insulting: how would you feel if you got a job or into college based on the need to fill a quota rather than merit? Would you have the moral outrage to be offended or would you take advantage of the situation like some people I know?

When I first took the job, I was thinking that I wouldn't be there too long; perhaps this was a springboard towards something better. However, nearly five years into the morass and I am finding myself less and less optimistic about my prospects for upwards mobility (something already severely damaged by my failure and expulsion from college – more on that later). The written warnings prevent me from applying within the company and a probation is likely to prevent me from getting a raise – or that 3% pittance employers like to refer to as a "raise."

Not that a raise would matter much anyhow, because I'm not getting any a large chunk of my take-home pay anyhow. Starting a couple weeks ago, I noticed that over $100 of my paycheque had gone missing. A quick investigation revealed something new and unexpected in the after-tax deductions column: one line, which simply read, "Garnishment – Student."

I was incredulous. "Garnishment – Student?" Student, as in "student loan?" How was this possible? I had only one student loan outstanding, from Sallie Mae servicing that my mother had paid off in full for me earlier this year. While I am still grateful to have that monkey off of my back, it hasn't really improved relationships between myself in my mother. I still don't trust her and part of me continues to question her motivations in paying off the loan. Regardless, the sole student loan I had taken out during my misadventure in college was gone, theoretically allowing me the opportunity to move on with my life.

I emailed human resources to ask what was going on. Certainly some error had been made. I received an email in reply stating that I would have to stop by the office in order to pick up the information that I had requested. So, the big question remains unanswered: who is stealing my money?

The whole debacle surrounding my student loan has been extremely fishy. Several months prior to the Sallie Mae loan being paid off, I received a slew of phone calls from a company claiming to be a collection agency. They succeeded in freaking me out, but when asked whom the charges were coming from, they were evasive. Calls to the Department of Education proved even more confounding as they confirmed that I did have a loan (okay, that must be the one through Sallie Mae, since they work with the Department of Education), but that they did not contract their collection efforts to outside parties. Huh?

I received calls at work and at home along with the odd mailing until the loan was paid. Then all fell silent until three months ago. At that time, I got a call at work from a woman claiming to be from the Department of Education. She asked me to confirm my name and if I'd ever gone to SUNY Potsdam. "Yes," I replied, starting to shake and sweat. I was freaking out again, losing the ability to form a cohesive thought and filling up with every single anxiety that had consumed me over not being able to pay back the Sallie Mae loan and not being able to graduate from college.

The curt and unpleasant woman at the other end of the line quoted a dollar amount, said I owed said amount and then told me that I was to pay it in full. "No," I stammered, "that can't be right…" Those were the only words I could force out. I felt weak and dizzy when I should have been decisive and snotty in telling them to piss off because the only loan I had foolishly signed for had been paid off.

"What can't be right about it, sir" the abrasive twat on the other end of the line spat out, "you did go to SUNY Potsdam didn't you?" It was as if she assumed attendance to a certain school proved debt.

"Well…yes…" I was stuttering, my head full of horrors and my nerves buzzing with the sort of detuned static that only extreme anxiety could bring on. I was going to melt down at work and become a pile of nerves on the floor in the same formation as if someone had thrown a ball of loosely bundled ball of yarn at the opposing wall and watched it drop. The cunt out in collection-land was still speaking but the words were in a language I couldn't comprehend. I wanted to tell her to fuck off because I owed no money. The words wouldn't come out of my mouth. Instead, still being verbally abused and harassed, I managed to squeak out that I would call back, knowing full well that I was lying and I hung up on the demon.

It must be a clerical error, I thought to myself. Someone hasn't updated the database and this will all blow over in no time. Then, in December, the mystery column appeared on my pay stub. Happy fucking holidays.

Thankfully, my income is still more than my living expenses, but it won't be easy to save for an emergency. Overall, I feel powerless in the face of this situation and that Human Resources didn't even warn me about what was about to happen leaves me with the distinct belief that all is not Kosher. If anything, this development only reinforces the fact that I have to get out of the corporate environment because bureaucracy is slowly killing me.

Which is funny, because I need the health insurance that my job provides – especially now.

As I said a while back, this year I have been getting sick a lot, in one case it being severe enough that I actually had Joi drive me to the hospital. I finally went to see a doctor about it. Without going into too much detail, I am scheduled for exploratory surgery in January. That's all I'm going to say about it, but don't worry – I'm tough to kill.

---

September 26^th saw the official release of the third Illusion of Joy LP The Forever Syndrome. It had been finished in January, but I left it on a shelf for months on end. Why I did this, I can't really say.

In any case, prior the release of The Forever Syndrome (nearly a year prior), a teaser single featuring an edited version of "A Place Outside" was released. I think that singles are great for promoting an album but fail if someone is out just to make money. Since I'd rather be known as someone who writes good songs rather than pop songs (not that the two are always mutually exclusive), I may or may not release any more singles.

One argument for doing so is that it gives me somewhere to stick all of those random songs I write that I feel don't fit on a proper album in the form of "B-sides" (which, sadly, drives completists insane). Like I said, we'll see what I do in 2007, given financial constraints and general mental anguish.

Comments

[slinkybetty.livejournal.com]

I hope you feel better. I've been perpetually ill this winter. Finally able to shake it off after a month and a half. It's just that time of year I suppose.

If I were you I'd call "Help Me Howard" about your work situation, or maybe the "Shame Shame Shame" guy. I wanted to call them about several things during my time as a sub. The NYC dept. if ed. is waaaay more corrupt and unfair than any big corporation I've ever worked for.

Good luck with the loan stuff.