What have I been up to?

[illusionofjoy]

It has been two months since I have written anything substantive. With Twitter and Facebook updates at my disposal, I've been treading the path of literary laziness, indulging in brief bursts of verbiage at the expense of in-depth expression. I am ever so slightly ashamed.

I have been trying to keep myself occupied. The biggest thing to happen in my life which I inexcusably neglected to mention in the narrative format was that Lyndsey and I moved in together at the beginning of the year. I'm not sure if it's funny or sad that I post photos of the two cats living with us while completely glossing over whether the cats live at her place or mine because I didn't note that said locations are, in fact singular, not plural.

I used to be better at keeping up an online journal. I aim to return to that place. This, of course, brings to mind the following question: in which direction should I take this journal? The answer, of course, has and always will be: wherever the fuck life takes me. I do intend on resuming my OTR series of posts in the not too distant future, but I doubt I'll make any attempt to write something daily for a full year or whatever. Every single time I've tried to do that, I've ended up burning myself out (with the notable exception of the time I posted one entry a day telling people not to rent from Steiner Realty, accompanied with a daily countdown of how long until that particular lease ran out).

Despite my assertion at the end of conclusion of 2009 that I wouldn't volunteer any of my time for any political candidates, I've made a liar of myself by making phone calls for Joe Sestak's Senate Campaign. I've been going to the campaign office Tuesday and Thursday evenings, and intend to keep doing so until the election.

While I'm not any less disgusted with the Democratic Party as an entity, despite my cynicism I actually like Joe Sestak. I feel that he's actually genuine and would make a fine public servant representing the whole state of Pennsylvania. Why anyone would vote for the money-grubbing reincarnation of Rick Santorum that is Pat Toomey is beyond me.

In an example of how life twists and turns in odds ways, it was actually because of my volunteering for the Sestak campaign that I ended up marching in Pittsburgh's Pride Parade several months back. While Sestak himself was speaking at the Pride event in Philadelphia, several volunteers from Pittsburgh were invited to march in the Sestak contingent of the Steel City's Pride Parade. So, there I was, at my first Pride event ever in my life with other politically-minded volunteers all holding up signs saying, "Joe Sestak, Democrat for Senate." In front of and behind us were rainbows and techno music while the streets were lined with gay rights supporters. It was pretty fucking thrilling, I must say.

I stuck around for a bit and wandered the booths set up in Liberty Avenue. There was a stage where in-between bands, several Western Pennsylvania politicians gave speeches. Among them was Allegheny County Executive and would-be governor Dan Onorato. I don't remember what he said, but I do remember that upon that stage in the middle of Pride, Onorato looked like a man who had consumed too much Taco Bell ten minutes prior and was desperately trying to stay clenched on stage. He looked pathetically out of his element and it was telling that he didn't return to his seat on stage once his speech was done, opting instead to disappear completely. One must give credit where credit is due: at least Onorato showed up; Pittsburgh mayor Luke Ravenstahl couldn't be bothered to grace Pride with his presence.

One interesting thing to happen to me since Lyndsey and I began dating was that I have been exposed to more aspects of the LGBT community than I ever expected to be in my life. She's jokingly referred to me as "the anomaly" because I am the first heterosexually identified male she's dated in...let's just say, a long time. Meanwhile, spending time at the Gay & Lesbian Community Center (GLCC) and attending events like Pride have been fascinating to me, but also at times have led me to comment to Lyndsey that her world is "confusing to me at times." She gives me credit for making an effort though.

Other things I've been making an effort at include recording a new album. It has been a long time since anything has been released under the Illusion of Joy banner and it's not for lack of desire or material either. Honestly, I have no excuses for leaving a gap of what is now nearly five years between albums, aside from the fact that the follow-up to The Forever Syndrome has been a slow and unexpectedly arduous affair.

Two songs from the forthcoming disc have made it into my live sets: the debauched "Triangle" and the none-too-subtle revenge daydream "Retribution." Earlier this year I burned some teaser discs with those two songs on them and gave them away to anyone who'd take one when Patricia Wake and I performed at Rebel Sound Records in Pittsfield, Massachusetts. Those discs had four songs total on them, two of which won't be on the album.

The album itself will have twelve songs on it. I have ten of those songs recorded and mixed to damn near perfection (total perfection to be achieved before mastering). I'm just stuck on track eleven right now. It's a difficult song for me to record.

Before Lyndsey and I moved in together earlier this year, something completely awful happened. Exactly what is not something I wish to elaborate upon, but I will say that it inspired track eleven.

I was once told that my song writing wasn't actually art. "You are just raping your pain and trying to dress it up as art, you asshole," if not the exact words, were close enough to what was said by an individual expressing a desire to be removed from my Christmas list. The thing of it is that I can't really argue with the statement - I am an asshole.

Aside from that, I think every creative person, to some extent "rapes their pain." Speaking for myself, when I write a song, it's generally grounded in something I've noticed that has elicited a strong emotional reaction in me. In that, damn near every song I've written is a distant, detached autobiography. The thing is that I twist and exaggerate things, I change details and I move the plot around to make the song more interesting and distance it from the initial reality of what inspired me to begin writing it. Autobiography very quickly becomes fiction (and quite amusingly so to anyone in on any of the jokes I sprinkle in my lyrics).

The difficult track eleven, however, remains very personal. I've written the lyrics in such a way that I don't come out and say what it's about; I never come out and say what a song is or was specifically about, nor would I want to. I know...and I needed to get it out. The result is a song that is a Sisyphean push up the hill to record, to say nothing of attempting to perform it live. Ask me right now and I'll say that I may never play it live. Right now I can't seem to even get it recorded.

I suppose you want a track listing for this enigmatic album I've been working on for nearly five years now. Okay, you can have that, but nothing else right now. Hell, maybe I'll scrap the whole thing tomorrow, but at the moment...

1. Triangle
2. Impact
3. What Might Have Been
4. Vertical
5. Amnestyville
6. Retribution
7. Resolution
8. Lungless
9. Delilah
10. Two Thespians
11. One Step Forward
12. Ayn Rand Shrugged

You're welcome.

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/deaddreamer_/]

It's good to see an update from ya again, Seth! Welcome back to LJ :) while I can completely understand not wanting to Journal daily, I would try weekly or maybe a few times a month if ya can! I keep saying I'm going to try to write more but then there is just not much to write. Sadly I lead a pretty boring life. Being disabled with agoraphobia and panic/anxiety attacks as one of my main disabilities I spend a lot of time at home behind computers, books, tv etc so not usually too much to write about. I do try to get out of the house once aweek and that's generally to visit my Mother and Father in Beaver county. I do try to update though, probably will tonight or tomorrow even. I do still read on a regular basis, though most people are NOT updating too often these days :( I miss your updates! I mean the OTR ones were cool but I usually enjoy reading more about peoples lives and what they do or are interested in :) Guess live vicariously though others LJs haha how lame! Oh well!

Congrats on the co-habitation! :) I hope that it's going well, which from what you've said it seems to be! My husband and I moved in together within a year of dating and here we are together now 7 years as of a week or so ago :) we'll be married 3 years in August. While he frustrates me at times and we fight I still love him more each day. Never did I imagine I'd ever be married lol. I think it's really wonderful that you are getting more involved in the LGBT community! Also marching in Pride! That is just all kinds of awesome! If I were in better shape and didn't have the fibromyalgia, I would be so happy to do that! I commend you and support you 100% in being more involved! It's just a damn down right shame that the LGBT community still have to fight for equal rights and that is heartbreaking to me. Especially the marriage issue. You should be able to marry the person you love regardless of gender. I only hope that we can see it accepted nation wide, or at least in more states than it is now, in our lifetime. We shall just have to wait, support, and see!

I really hope all goes well with getting this new album together, as far as the person commenting on you 'raping your pain' like you said, who doesn't in a way. If we cant write from the things we've experienced in life both good and bad, then where would the art of music, lyric, and poetry be? Even stories be them based on all true things or just written from things you've experienced and made into fiction. We have to use our emotions both pain, joy, and all things in between to express art in several forms and I commend you for being able to do that. This is coming from a person who used to write poetry constantly and I wasn't too shabby at it either, but it's been -years- since I've had any inspiration of any sort and it saddens me!

Ok as usual I am babbling! Just happy to see you back on LJ and hope that ya do update a lil more often! :) Take care, Seth and I hope that life has been and will continue to treat you and your loved ones well!

<3 Crystal/Criddle :)