Mirrored TSWP Entry - Thursday, December 26, 2002

[illusionofjoy]

I've been spending some time in the memory hole tonight. It's 6:00AM, on the day after Christmas and I am very far from jolly. I was reading old journal entries, trying to relive certain moments in my life. Unfortunately it didn't work very well, as the moments that I had lived never translated very well into text. So, I would read, and then pause for a moment as I slowly slipped inside of myself in an attempt to travel back in time. It worked splendidly, as I started tearing up, with foreknowledge of what the future would hold.

I can't say I didn't enjoy Christmas this year. Most of what I got is fairly useful - gift certificates making up the majority of my gifts. In what perhaps may be a sign of her further accepting my personality, my mother bought me a T-shirt featuring Death from The Sandman on the front. I was quite pleasantly surprised. I also received a couple of HO-scale model railroad kits - to me, relics of a hobby I will probably never have the time or money to pursue in the way I want to; relics of yet another lost dream.

Overall, that's what Christmas really means to me at this point: lost dreams. I can see this symbolism on many levels. Let's assume for a moment that the Christians are correct, and Jesus was born on December 25th, 1. He would grow up, learning the trade of a carpenter and then become one of the world's most compelling public speakers. Somehow, the idea gets out that he's the son of God and people start believing it. What happens? He gets nailed to a cross in a gesture of love for the world so that us pathetic mortals can start over with a clean slate. Then he rises from the dead not three days later. What happens after that? Well, he dies again and in the span of 2000 years, his original message of "love one another" somehow gets transformed into, "Abortion is a SIN! Contraceptives are a SIN! Non-Christians are SINNERS! Homosexuals are SINNERS!" How we get from "love one another" to that rubbish is indeed perplexing. Jesus bringing peace on Earth and goodwill to mankind: a lost dream.

On a level closer to home though, I have to say that I once believed. When I was little, I thought Christmas was great. The whole ordeal excited me. Like any kid, the thought of getting toys made me sickeningly happy, but I also believed in all the church bullshit - or at least I thought I did.

When one is seven years old, one doesn't ask many questions. I would go to Sunday school, listen to the teachers, sing the stupid songs, etc. I would participate in the pageants of the season - happily so, under the delusion that I was securing myself a spot in heaven. Every now and then I'd even pray.

Then at the age of nine I discovered mortality. It tore my little world apart and I began to ask questions. The more questions I asked, the most answers I got which only led to more questions. I had trusted in these adults to know about life. I had followed what they said and been a good kid. Why weren't their words of wisdom coming so swiftly and easily anymore. The answer came from within: I didn't really know that God existed or that Jesus was actually of any relation to this nebulous concept. Neither did the adults who believed in it so faithfully. They had no proof, so they must have been...pretending? No, that wasn't possible. The adults knew what they were talking about! They had to! When you get old, you get wise, right? Right?

At the tender age of nine my transformation into an Agnostic had begun, and most of the Holidays that had seemed so special to me before now seemed vapid. The adults who had seemed so wise and so far above me now looked just like me: scared, confused and searching for meaning within the chaos. I never found that meaning which would make Christmas special again, but I did discover a crass ultra-capitalist mindset that would make me loathe the season even more.

This Christmas, like the Christmas before and the one prior to that, I bought presents for my family members. I did it, like I always do, to stave off the guilt I would feel if I received something from them, but failed in giving something in return. Honestly though, I can live without receiving anything on Christmas. If it happened one year that I suddenly got no presents, I'd be surprised but I wouldn't really feel bad. It's nice to have a pile of gift certificates, but honestly what right have I to receive presents on the observed birthday of a man who died nearly 2000 years ago? I don't see the logic and I don't have the heart.

There was one thing I did want for Christmas though that I didn't get. Despite the fact that neither one of us are Christians, I would have liked for the Asian Goddess to have called me. Instead, I just stayed up all night reading old journal entries. Lost dreams? I just don't have the heart.

Comments

*tear*

[jagnightwalker.livejournal.com]

That is one of the most beautiful journal entries I have read in a very long time, and mirrors my feelings so well.

For years, it has been very hard for me to find the true meaning behind christmas...but I try for my kids. Even though we aren't christian, we do try to instill the love and hope that the dawning of the sun brings every solstice,

Of course, we let them interpret "sun" (son??) however they choose. So far, they have chosen to believe the one they can see and feel every day.

Kisses to you, beautiful one.

Re: *tear*

[illusion-of-joy.livejournal.com]

Indeed, I wish people would just "get it" that a heartfelt handwritten letter to a loved one would be so much more meaningful than a gold watch and mass-produced card; that the heart behind the gifts - or just heart itself matters so much more than all the shiny things you can buy with a piece of dyed cottonpaper. Then I hear about people fighting in malls, and well...