A few of my views on polyamoury (prompted by a post in pghgoth)

[illusionofjoy]

Recently, someone made a post in the pghgoth community regarding polyamoury (which can be read here). I was ready with a reply, however, my comment exceeded the character-length limitations of LiveJournal. Hence, my original unabridged reply follows:

A polyamory question I can answer; that polyculture, drama queen, weirdo stuff threw me in the initial post. Personally I try to avoid drama and I don't really think of myself as "weird," but mildly eccentric.

In any case...

I do consider myself somewhat of a polyamourist. That is to say that I believe that love should not be limited to one person when, in a world so lacking in compassion, if it can be shared amongst many then it should be. I am currently in an open relationship, though I am not actively seeing anyone besides my primary partner at the moment. Should I wish to do such a thing (or should she), then we both have the other's understanding, if not blessing to do so.

It is my belief that the concept of "the one" is an archaic idea crammed into the heads of the general populace by religious and government institutions in order to control people. What is marriage but a glorified contract stating that you stick with someone else for benefits like tax breaks, among other things? I do not believe in marriage, at least not in it's current form, where so many (i.e.: homosexuals) get left out in the cold for their non-conformance to societal mores. And as for the idea that there is someone for everyone, I find it asinine to believe that I should quite possibly spend my entire life searching for that one person whom can "make me whole," when, in all likelihood this person does not exist. I don't think it's possible for one other person to fulfil someone's existence. If that were so, then why do so many married people still keep their friends (granted, there are exceptions, but aren't there always)?

So, on to polyamoury itself. Among other things it has been called "immoral," and "just an excuse to fuck." Those two arguments tend to go hand in hand, I've noticed. As for immorality, that argument doesn't hold with me, because it would seem that any activity that promotes love is a virtue, not a vice. Most of the time when asked that ever-unpopular question "why" in response to the opinion that polyamoury is immoral, I've received varying forms of the sentence, "just because it is." That's the argument that most spiritually inclined people use to justify the existence of [a] god and it just doesn't hold with me.

As for "being an excuse to fuck," there are people who call themselves polyamourists who just want to bang (or be banged) as much as possible. While promiscuity in of itself is not true polyamoury, I see nothing wrong with it as a concept. This does, however, bring me to my core point...

Any type of relationship, conventional or unconventional, requires a sense of responsibility. These days most people tend to run from the freaky little word in bold print it seems. The fact remains though, that if one is to "fool around" on any level, one has to take responsibility for their actions if they are to avoid leaking drops into the drama pool. Honesty is a good start - let everyone involved know what's up. Tell everyone involved what they're getting involved in, so that no accusations of deception can come later (or sooner, depending how much of a weasel you are). If you're going to be promiscuous, take precautions! Wrap that "shared love" in a latex glove! If you must have multiple partners, don't make yourself a vector for social diseases (especially the two big incurable H's).

Since sex always comes up in these discussions (you dirty-minded freaks), I'm going to comment on that as well. No need to curse me now, you can always curse me later.

One poster replied with a bunch of derogatory comments about sex. So be it...theirs is not my damage. Personally, I think that sex is a wonderful thing. Masturbation is a wonderful thing, as "self love" and "self knowledge" are the best places to begin if one is to become involved with just one human being, much less a collection. Sex is a natural biological function with which human beings have placed/evolved a great emotional attachment. It's about as "dirty" as anything else two human beings can do together (consider this: you actually exchange more germs by shaking someone's hand than by kissing them). The thing about sex as well is that it is such a mutable activity. It can be rough and fiery, it can be cool and comforting, it can be deep and passionate...you get the idea (and some of you, I'm sure, are trying to scratch out your mind's eyes as you think of me in compromising positions). Once again though, there's that whole responsibility thing; if you want to bang everyone in town, you'd better be prepared to accept the consequences.

Anyway, those are just some of my thoughts of the subject. I'll stop at this juncture, before I manage to offend everyone in this community. Flame away.

Since the original post was a comparison of Boston and Pittsburgh, I think it would be interesting to read comments from people living in both cities. Anyone wishing to "represent" their city should feel free to join in as well. I'm curious, if anything.

Comments

[silver-forest.livejournal.com]

Ah I'm afraid I'm going to have to come along and disagree with you. I'm lucky. I found the right person, the person I love more than anything, the person who makes me whole and we both know it was a one in a million chance we even met.

You don't stop fancying other people just because you're in a relationship and there's something wonderful about the flirtation and fun you have with someone you've just met. There's the frisson of the first kiss and we'll not even go into the sex - but you have to be prepared to give that up or don't bother settling down in the first place.

I've made a committment because I've met someone I truly love. I work at my relationship because Dave's happiness is my happiness and one of the reasons I love him so much is because he feels the same way.

I know it's going to offend a hell of a lot of people, but polyamoury is just a case of having your cake and eating it. I've read journals belonging to polyamourous people and the one question I've always had is if they're with a partner they say they love they why on earth would they want to spend an evening with someone else anyway? I guess I really feel that if you need something outside the relationship that badly then you're not in the right relationship to begin with.

It's not something I lose sleep over - everyone's got the right to live how they want, but the only time it disturbs me is when the people involved have children because I'm old-fashioned in many ways and I don't approve of disregarding the family unit so casually. I'd tell them to go do something with their kids instead of being out chasing a bit on the side and, yes, I'd say that to anyone cheating in a relationship too if they had children.