Oblivion

[illusionofjoy]

It's become a regular occurrence where I will get done with work early Monday morning and go over to missjoi's apartment before she has to start her work week. While she's slaving away at her Monday, I'm sleeping, having already made my sacrifice to the corporate Monday gods. If nothing else, she tells me that it makes her feel better at her job to know that there is a naked guy in her bed. I'm glad that I can be of some use from a distance while I'm sleeping.

It's likely that this arrangement won't last for much longer; two weeks at best, I imagine. In two weeks I will be unemployed once more, seeking a new temp assignment to tide me over until I find "a real job." I'm not too broken about losing my current job as things have become very strange where I work. It's a psychological case study waiting to happen.

I have to side with czerach on the job front in this case. I don't want to get locked into full-time employment that will do nothing but degrade my mental health. At least with temp assignments, I can always opt out. Barring that, they all eventually end. Nothing is permanent. While that transience makes me a bit uncomfortable, I think the trade-off is fair in that I am not trapped at some corporation that expects me to allow them to torment me for eighteen months before I can move onto something better.

I simply have little love for capitalism at this point - not in it's current monstrous form. The sad conversation Joi and I have engaged in with each other about going nowhere while supposedly having the earning power to "get ahead" is very well-scripted at this point. Some say that money doesn't buy happiness. I would say that is true, but at least money allows you to hang yourself with the gold-twined rope, instead of just plain old boring hemp.

So, as I find dissatisfaction in my so-called realm of employment, this leaves me looking for self-fulfilment elsewhere. Barring that, I can always go for a good means of escape. Perhaps that it why I can play Simcity 4 for ten hours in a row - it's a good escape and I feel like I have a comfortable amount of control. Then again, I do just like to create.

As for creation, I've decided to push the release date of my new album back to January. Originally I was planning on a November release date, but I won't have it done by that point. I'd rather not rush the process. Something good needs to come from what I create, rather than just something.

For this new album I've decided to settle on Division as it's title. Go ahead and say the name of my musical project followed by the album title: "Illusion of Joy - Division." Makes you want to beat me up for being a right wanker, doesn't it? Seriously though, after much soul-searching, I decided that Division was the most appropiate title for the song cycle I have written. Most of these songs basically say, "I've moved away from Potsdam and plopped myself into Pittsburgh and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing half the time." It's true though, I don't know what I'm doing half the time - I'm confused. We all know the story of the "I shouldn'ts" - I shouldn't have failed out of college/I shouldn't be working a low-paying job/I shouldn't own over $20,000 on worthless student loans/et cetera...

I would really love to get past the shit and concentrate on getting on with my life. In some ways moving to Pittsburgh alone was a big step in that direction (so claims Joi). I'm not entirely set adrift. I have a fairly healthy bank account and I'm not too worried about being unemployed for very long as there is always another temp assignment waiting in the wings. Combine those facts with the fact that I have not one, but two upcoming guest spots at Ceremony in the near future and I would have to admit that I seem to be adapting to my new environment fairly well.

As for Division...I think the word itself in relation to my situation is self-explanatory. I believe that it will make even more sense when held in context with the songs written around it. The fact is that the word goes beyond just my situation to the world in general. This is the first album where I've written some pretty blatantly political songs. It seems that finally an administration has invaded the White House that I feel pissed off enough about that I want to scream against it. I don't like politics in the least, but I like going down without a fight even less.

I'll probably go back to writing mopey and angsty love songs again eventually. Not that they are entirely absent from Division, but they're more twisted, in my opinion. By that, I mean to say that there are more layers to deal with than the standard dating/sex/whathaveyou bullshit.

Sometimes I think I like to write songs that will get a rise out of people in the same way that certain songs have gotten a rise out of me over the years. By that I refer to the quasi-orgasmic thrill of hearing a song once and just fucking loving it - no rhyme or reason to it, you've heard the song and you love it and you must hear it again and even though it runs through your head, you don't care because you love it so much. At that moment, it is the song and no other songs will do.

To my knowledge, I have yet to record a song that has done that to anyone. If it has, they haven't told me or if they did, I've forgotten (apologies in advance, if such is the case). I can remember countless songs that have done this to me though. As I quickly breeze through the dusty cabinet of my memory, titles such as "Comfortably Numb," "The Lovecats," "Elegia," "Every Time You Touch Me," "Kathy's Song" and "Blackest Eyes" come to mind. That's the extremely abridged version, mind you.

My current infatuation is an I, Parasite song entitled "Spoke." It's a six-minute down tempo ambient-industrial number with a "Closer" (Nine Inch Nails, not Joy Division) style percussion track. It's the type of song that begs for an interpretive dance at the club, in sound alone it being very sensual. Lyrically it's not so pretty, but the words don't make it ugly either. In fact, I'm not even sure that I wish to decode the cryptography of the lyrics, being that knowing the true meaning and finding out the real symbolism might ruin the magic of the song for me. I'm not quite ready for that yet.

While the song remains mysterious and magical though, I can swim in it as it plays. I can be consumed by it. I can safely close my eyes and allow it to take me to a place where no sensation matters, save the music. At this point it becomes more than a song...it becomes a religious experience.

And that is one of those times when I am at my most blissful.

Comments

[missjoi.livejournal.com]

You know how I feel on the matter- after visiting Potsdam and seeing where you grew up...you took the first big step. A lot of people are content in life having the small town life- and you are obviously not one of those people. (nothing against those of you who decide it's ok for you either.)

All things take time. I know it's hard to not be impatient and frustrated- but trust me on this- it will all work out in the end for you. This is the first big stepping stone in your life- you've accomplished more than others have already. The rest will all come together for you.

You know why?

Because I believe in you Seth. You are so driven and passionate- how could you *not* succeed?

let me have my mushy/glass half full moment, ok? so shut up! nyah! :p

[xeyli.livejournal.com]

Potsdam is such a small place.... but at least people can drive to another place. I've been stuck practically all my life on this rock. I need off, badly. BUT... I'm stuck here until I get rid of some of my debt.